The Ultimate Post-Revolution Egypt Guide for Americans: Part I

December 5, 2011 | Special Reports | by BobMonkey

2011 was a pretty dramatic year EVERYWHERE, ranging from natural disasters like the Tsunami and Nuclear disaster in Japan, hurricanes, earthquakes in Washington DC, Turkey and The Pacific Rim, to Europe going broke and looking for food stamps, to the Arab Spring. In the middle of all the chaos it gets harder to follow what the hell is going on everywhere all the time, so we thought we should make a down and dirty guide that will help you make sense of what’s going on, or keep up a conversation if you’re invited to the UN New Years Eve Party.

Why should you give a damn?

Oil? No, Egypt doesn’t have Oil, well, Not as much as you’d think; but it’s the biggest country in the Middle East and Africa with 85 million people. It plays the role of the middle man between the Arab Nations and Israel since it’s the only country in the Middle East that keeps diplomatic ties with Israel, and hence pretty much responsible for stability in the whole region. Egypt controls the Suez Canal which all Oil Tankers from the Middle East use to transport Oil to Europe and America because it’s easier and cheaper than going all the way around Africa. in other words, If shit hits the fan in Egypt, You’re gonna be fucking for Gas the next morning.

The Real Political Parties of Egypt

The conservatives:

The Muslim Brotherhood a.k.a Freedom and Justice Party:

“God is our objective; the Quran is our constitution, the Prophet is our leader; Jihad is our way; and death for the sake of God is the highest of our aspirations.”

Don’t let the name “Freedom and Justice” fool ya. They’re the Republicans of Egypt with an Islamist Twist, established in 1928, They are one of the oldest established Political Movements in Egypt. With around 2 or 3 million members, it’s also the largest.  it has branches all over the Arab World.  Their party “Freedom and Justice” was established few months ago after the January 25th Revolution.

According to them, The organization -Muslim Brotherhood- is financed by contributions from their members. Some contributions come from Oil states like Saudi Arabia and Qatar but since it’s an “unregistered” organization; they aren’t obligated by law to show where the money is coming from and that’s why they kept the Organization and the Party separate. The Brotherhood controls all – seriously ALL – the Workers Unions, Professional Syndicates and small Local Government bodies. Recently, they won the majority of the seats in the First Phase of the New Egyptian Parliament Elections with around 40% so far. The Brotherhood used to engage in violence and terrorism back in the day but no more -like that’s better-.

Strengths:

They’re very organized, and really know how to use religion to gain power and to toy with people’s emotions, expectations and decisions. Their slogan in elections is “Islam is the Solution” which is against the law to use Religion or Religious statements in campaign ads but somehow they got a Court Order saying “Islam is the Solution” was a Political slogan and not a Religious one. which is kinda like saying Jesus wasn’t a Christian figure, just a cool Jewish guy !!!

Weaknesses:

Their credibility is shaky lately after accusations of becoming the new NDP (ex-dictator party), and soon (in a couple of months) they’ll be put to the test on how they’re going to run the country. There is also a lot of accusations of accepting funds from Oil-rich countries.

 

The Salafists a.k.a Al Noor Party:

The Tea Party of Egypt, and that’s an understatement. These Osama bin Laden look-a-likes (and fans) make the Muslim Brotherhood look more Liberal than an interracial lesbian couple. They want to gradually implement their Saudi-like understanding of Islam which includes “fatwas” like women aren’t allowed to drive, the Burqa is a must, Democracy is a piece of shit unless they managed to score seats (which they did), Copts (Egyptian Christians) aren’t allowed to hold any Political position like President, Vice President, Prime Minister, Minister, Vice Minister , Janitor, etc. Also statues and sculptures -that practically define Egyptian History and Tourism industry- are “Haram” and should be destroyed or covered in wax. The Salafists don’t also believe in a Secular or a Civil State, and just like The Brotherhood They use Religion to gain votes and support from the Egyptian people. The difference between them is basically that The Brotherhood are much better liars and double-talkers. In the current Parliamentary Elections, Al Noor Party won 20% of the seats in the 1st phase so far.

Together, Salafists and The Brotherhood make way more than 60% of the parliament, which makes them a power to be reckoned with. The catch here is these guys don’t even want to discuss shit and more stubborn than a mule. Key figures include people like Aboud Zumor (left), one of the conspirators who assassinated Anwar Sadat, the Former Egyptian President who signed the peace treaty with Israel and Nobel Peace Prize Winner; and Abdelmoneim Shahhat (right), the spokesman, who openly denounced the concept of Democracy and the idea of Elections, yet ironically is winning in his Alexandria district through those same concepts and ideas. Salafists also enjoy engaging in hate crimes and then coming out against it, like attacking or rather torching Churches in at least 4 different incidents in the last 10 months!

Strengths:

The use of Religion to gain votes and support; remember that 30% of Egyptians are illiterate and they get all their moral values from Imams in local Mosques who are usually Salafists or Salafists supporters. They’re directly funded by Wahabi Petro-Dollars.

Weaknesses:

Simply, they sound retarded and self-contradicting most of the time so people see through that, and They have ZERO experience in politics which puts them in a tight spot most of the time.

 

The Liberals:

Due to the amount of bullshit propagated and re-tweeted by Salafists and Imams, the words Liberal/Secular became as bad as Satan, and unsurprisingly a synonym  to “kafer” or Atheists. There are few parties in Egypt that are Liberal, but they aren’t as popular are the Conservatives. These parties main goal is to try to balance out the Islamists and hoping really hard for a Civil Democratic State instead of 6th Century Caliphate, not even Secular no more; that sounds like a pipe dream right now. These Parties joined forces under whats called The Egyptian Block.

The Free Egyptians:

The equivalent of the Democrats. It’s the newest Liberal Party in Egypt, established few month after The January Revolution by Telecom Tycoon Naguib Sawiris, an Egyptian Billionaire who paid for at least third of the Party’s funding. The Capitalist Liberal Party’s objective is to form a strong Liberal front in Egypt to face the Religious Goliath in the Parliament, and it managed to score 3rd biggest amount of seats after the Islamists.

The Party believes in separating “Church” from State, equality, Civil Rights and all that stuff that made any Western Civilization what it is today. It’s also the only Party that has programs to fix Education, Health, Jobs and other issues unlike the other parties who just have slogans with the main worry on what a woman should do or wear.  The Party also includes some of Egypt’s most celebrated figures like Professor Farouk Baz.

Strength:

The party believes in Science and Personal Liberty, and includes some of Egypt’s top thinkers and celebrities.

Weaknesses

The Party believes in Science, yes, in the Middle East that’s a weakness. And since the party was founded by one of the most prominent Coptic figures (Sawiris), it got a lot of negative reputation by being called a “Christian” party, even though majority of the members are Muslims.

 

New Wafd Party:

The continuing of the oldest Nationalist liberal Egyptian Party, established 1919, this used to be The Democratic Party of Egypt but no more under the leadership of a guy who has a 70s’ porn star mustache, a real sleaze-ball goes by the name of Sayed Badawi. This party is responsible for fucking the Liberal image in Egypt from being a “fake”, a “puppet” opposition to the Mubarak regime, then doing their dirty work, making deals with the same regime in 2010 to get parliament seats (which they didn’t get), removing The Cross from their symbolic flag during an Aid trip to Gaza Strip, then getting in bed after the revolution again with the Muslim Brotherhood in hopes of scoring some votes. This party is the definition of selling-out, and at the end of the day, they couldn’t even score 4% in the latest Elections.

 

Stay tuned for the second part coming soon..

Cheers